Purpose

[ashverse]

(TW for mention of SI stuff/mental illness stuff from my past, not in great detail)

"Quarter life crisis" textual evidence for middle-aged me to (hopefully) chuckle at in 15ish years below.
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I've been thinking about dreams recently, of both the "things you experience while sleeping" and the "vague things I want out of life" variety, these last few..... many years I guess. It's something that drifts in and out, like musing on my gender and (a?)theistic thoughts (definitely less "a" than say, three years ago, but more than 10 years ago).


The first job I remember wanting when I was a kid was eye doctor (I was like, 7 and didn't know the distinction between optometrist and ophthalmologist), because "eyes are just jello anyway". Which while not the most inspiring reasoning, makes me smile. I don't often smile about anything that happened when I was 7, so I will take it.

I desperately wanted to be a writer for my preteen and teen years, despite barely actually producing anything. Then part of my brain seemed to switch off and I couldn't bring myself to just read a book, despite them being my escape for years previously (truthfully, that switch still hasn't switched back on, and I miss it). Then I really wanted to be a film director. I reasoned maybe my problem with writing is the fact I see all my story ideas as vivid movies in my head, which really can't be replicated with just text. 

Then during a psychiatric hospitalization in 2022, in a hospital with piss on the floor and roaches in the corners (I wish I was exaggerating), I thought maybe I should become a psychologist.

I've dropped out of college twice, and haven't gone back again.

I am too disabled to work.

I am often too disabled to even play video games on my computer to unwind.

The wanting to become a psychologist thing came up again in therapy last week, my own (wonderful) psychologist said, 'you don't need to worry about that right now."

(keep in mind, she's the one who told me I'd make a good psych in the first place, and she still does think and say that)

She's right, right now it's survive, survive, survive.


IS MY PURPOSE TO SURVIVE?

Endure.

Yes yes, try to heal, need to work on myself to get to a point where I can do things. Blah Blah Blah. I get it.

Endure.

Survive.

Wait.

Many years I struggled with wanting to not be on this earth,
but now
I want to live.

And it hurts a whole hell of a lot more than wanting to die.

But I'll keep looking for that purpose.

A lot of people told me what it was supposed to be as a child,
(evil things).

That's what it's not,
so I want to know what it is.

But I need to make peace with the fact I may never find out.

What will be will be.

(but I know it's not just to survive, I know I know I know.....)

Thanks for listening.
 

Comments

[kitarella_imagines]

I hear you.

Things get better as you get older because you care less about them.

You will prevail 💪

[ashverse]

Thank you, I appreciate that. It's hard to imagine time healing things while in the thick of the PTSD, but I am working on it and will continue to do so. Hope good things come your way!

[kitarella_imagines]

Thanks 💗

I think you just get numb as you get older, I find it hard to care about anything anymore as I'm stuck in a rut, unable to escape. Fanfiction, shows, films are the only things that make me happy and interested, really. Thank goodness for them.

[ashverse]

I miss fandoms and the related things! I haven't sunk my teeth into a good ol piece of media and it's fandom in years now. I used to latch on like a dog and take yearssss to let go, and now I just.... can't. I just can't get interested for more than a week at most, if that. That being said, condolences on the rut you are in, that sounds tough in its own right.

[kitarella_imagines]

Oh well I do that! I am interested in a fandom for a few months/years, I write some fics about them, then move onto the next one. My brain seems to be like that: constantly moving on.

Thanks, it's the old 'I painted myself into a corner now I can't get out' situation. I didn't save up any money when I was young, so now I'm old with no options, no escape routes, no control.

All my own fault! So I throw myself into fandoms to escape 😅

[ashverse]

Well I am glad fandom can be of some comfort at least! I hope you have a good rest of your week.

[kitarella_imagines]

Thanks! I hope you can find some comfort in fandoms, it's such a nice, harmless hobby to get involved in 🥰