ashverse

I'm alive y'all

Mon, 07 Sep 2026 01:49:52 GMT

Hello! I know I haven't posted in like a year. I'm alive, but man this year has been tough. Chronic illness is no joke. I have been told by doctors and nurses I need to ignore the pain and just do things anyway. I feel this is easier said than done.

kitarella_imagines, if you see this thanks for the lovely message and for thinking of me despite my inactivity on here. I really appreciate it.

Other than negative stuff, I suppose a nice thing is I have been reading a lot more this year. I am having trouble figuring out what I actually want from fiction though. I read the book The Never-ending Story after seeing the movie again for the first time since I was a kid (by the way, the score of that film is incredible, but I am biased because I am an intractable synth lover). The second half is wild! It wasn't without flaws but the world and the prose were so beautiful. I will be thinking about that book for a long time. I've also been reading some nonfiction, mostly about parts of history that don't get discussed much.

I've also been attempting casual self study of German for about a month but I am feeling a bit demotivated and I'm having trouble getting into a flow that works for me. I am monolingual so I've never really done this before, so I feel lost. Mostly I am doing flashcards and trying to watch some channels on YouTube (Chill German is quite a good one btw).

I really hope I write something in the coming year. I do have an idea but I fear it is way outside of the scope of my talents. But I guess you sort of have to ignore that.

I wish I could get myself invested enough in something to write fanfiction again, it is an excellent way to shake off the dust. I read some of my old fanfictions from when I was like 16 and it is much better than what I am able to write now. Which was disheartening, to be honest. Oh well. I am very rusty.

Anyway, that's all I can think of for the moment. I hope Autumn treats everyone well. Tschüss!

-Ash

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Mon, 22 Sep 2025 02:28:54 GMT

Watching someone play through Silksong while having essentially no knowledge of the first game or a single piece of lore besides a couple youtube shorts sure is something. Mostly I just cheer when my friend gets through a hard platforming section or boss. I do love Hornet though.

I love video games, but video games don't love me lol (bad coordination, slow reflexes, carpal tunnel, memory issues.... video games are hard for me, but it is what it is)

I've definitely had a good time with it though! It's not something I would have gotten into otherwise and it's cool, and while I would never be capable of doing well, I still am capable of recognizing some patterns and strategies and giving actually helpful advice? Like, I have made boss fights possible to beat for my friend multiple times just by pointing out "hey try this" type stuff. I seem to keep making singeplayer games "multiplayer" and it's so fun. I am grateful to the internet for making such things possible with people who live far away. I didn't grow up playing a lot of games or having a sibling who played games or anything, so this sorta thing is a novelty for me.

Idk, it's probably not that deep or whatever but it's nice to feel helpful even in areas far out of my wheelhouse like a metroidvania.

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A Mathematician's Lament

Tue, 21 Jan 2025 20:20:59 GMT

As someone who identifies as Bad At Math, this essay was completely mind-blowing and I love it. I also think it has interesting stuff to say about teaching as a whole. I really wish math had been taught to me in the way the author posits here, I think I would have even liked it, instead of having fear and dread about it. Anyway, highly recommend.

Read here (no paywall!):

archive.org/details/AMathematiciansLament/mode/2up

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Sat, 18 Jan 2025 18:35:16 GMT

I want to learn embroidery soooo bad lately, but no idea where to even start.... I don't want to drop $40-$80 I don't have on a kit I'll get frustrated with after five minutes. I really want to be able to embellish my clothes though. At this point I have to settle for anything I can afford that fits, and it means I don't really get to have a style or much personal expression with my clothes at the moment. Part of that is due to chronic pain and fatigue and whatnot, but still. But then I see a video that says "oh never embroider on stretchy material"! That's every shirt I own and most of my pants! I mean I'd start with hoops and whatnot first, not go right into clothes, but since that was my goal that video was disheartening.

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Cool Poem

Wed, 08 Jan 2025 11:52:50 GMT

SO MUCH SPACE FOR SONG
James Crews

What made the winter wren say,

this is my home now, as it carried

stick after stick and tufts of grass

to the tractor, shaping a soft place

inside the arm that lifts the bucket?

What gave such a small body

so much space for song, belting out

notes from its perch on top of the seat,

chirping if we get too close to that

hollow where her young are now

hatching, calling out in hunger?

What fills any of us with care enough

to say yes to this difficult world,

taking our places in it, despite

the risks, knowing the dangers?

Watch how the wren shrinks itself

to fit inside the tractor we haven’t

driven in weeks, where tiny beings

have just emerged from eggs the size

of marbles, each one filled with

the songs of their mother and father,

a music that’s larger than this

one life we are given.

—from Rattle #86, Winter 2024

Source: www.rattle.com/so-much-space-for-song-by-james-crews/

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Wed, 08 Jan 2025 05:44:09 GMT

I'm alive!

I'm trying Les Mis Letters (mainly a discord/tumblr thing, but it's basically one chapter of Les Mis every day of the year), and trying some more games. I also want to get more into TTRPG stuff but it's all so intimidating and involves every social spoon I have! I don't really know people who are into it so I'm trying a game with strangers later this month. Wish me luck....

I also really want to get into embroidery for some reason, but I need to save money at the moment. Just desperate for distraction I guess!

My only "resolution" for the year is to try more games (ttrpg, video games, card games, board games, etc), so I got Slay the Spire during the winter Steam sale. It's so addicting! My first day having it I played it for 10 straight hours. Is that good? Proooobably not, buuuuut, I need as many things to fill my head up with as possible at the moment.

I think my favorite character in StS to play is The Defect, but The Silent is the only one I have managed a successful run with so far.

Apparently there's a StS co-op boardgame, and I want to play it so bad!

I also am making a foray into Fallen London, if anyone wants to be friends on there let me know. I would definitely help out with Scandal and etc if you will help me back! I am still very early into the game, I don't have any skills to 50 yet. The writing is so good!

My life is quite the disaster now, so I am hoping to bury myself in various things. I may still snap and get some sewing or punch needle or something stuff to fill an "occupying my mind" slot. I don't have any macrame stuff at the moment and it's more bulky. I just feel intimidated to try new things, because of the perfectionism beast I have lurking in the waters of my chronic fatigue.

Hope everyone gets through 2025 relatively unscathed.

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Wed, 30 Oct 2024 08:20:44 GMT

Sorry I haven't been replying to people. I'm dealing with a huge chronic fatigue/pain spike. I have read everything! I might not be able to get back to stuff, and I might have to move on from stuff just so I don't get stuck in a "I didn't reply, so I shouldn't start new conversations" hole and then never use this site again, as has happened before lol. Hope that's alright. Back to bed....

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Detective Media/Media at large/rambling?

Thu, 10 Oct 2024 22:13:25 GMT

This just turned into me rambling about wanting to watch more things I think.

( Read more... )

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Columbo: The Adventure Begins

Sat, 05 Oct 2024 23:04:32 GMT

I just started watching Columbo for the first time yesterday! I have seen a lot of detective shows in my time, especially as a kid, but somehow never this one. So far it was a lot more.... cinematic? Almost? Than I was expecting. Also, I am not used to the cinematography of murder of the week type shows from this era being quite this engaging, so that's cool. As someone who is mostly familiar with Peter Falk from Princess Bride (not that he was bad in that, quite the contrary, I have a huge soft spot for that character/his performance), I didn't realize his acting range! Very cool.

Also, as a fairly passionate Twin Peaks fan, does anyone know if Dale's outfit is a (less disheveled) reference to Columbo? Considering the fact Twin Peaks spends a decent amount of time deconstructing/subverting "The Detective" as a character archetype, I am assuming this is the case, but I am just curious because I feel like I have heard Cooper's look be attributed to something else, though I can't recall what it was. Constantine?

Anyway, very excited to see more!

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I Am So Tired Of The Million Paid Subscriptions In This World

Mon, 23 Sep 2024 06:17:19 GMT

I was wanting some learning apps I can use on my phone or tablet, given that I am in bed 85% of the time due to my chronic health issues. And I kept seeing app after app after app that was "free with in app purchases", only to download it and for it to actually be a week free trial, and the "in-app purchase", is the subscription to the app. That is not free with in-app purchases. The in-app purchase IS the APP!

Anyway, I am still on the hunt for learning apps for Android, or at the very least learning websites that are mobile friendly. I know about Libby, but I don't have a great way of getting a library card at the moment, for reasons I don't want to get into, hoping to remedy that soon. Also, my brain is really struggling with books anyways, I'm looking for..... not sure what, something that's not books. I found the Khan Academy app, but it seems like a dressed up video archive. Which isn't terrible, but a bit underwhelming. I will probably go back to it at some point.

I think I want something Duolingo adjacent, but not for languages, since I personally don't find Duolingo effective for that for me. Also, I've heard in the last couple of years they've replaced a bunch of stuff with AI and I do not trust AI when it comes to the nuances of translation. But yeah, some sort of learning app/mobile site with little modules that don't require a ton of commitment and are beginner/novice friendly in whatever topic. With where my mental health is at I feel the need to dip my toe in to this stuff, not dive. I feel like all these years chronically stressed and in bed, not only have my muscles atrophied but so has my brain. At least the learning/curiosity part of it.

It's like that tumblr post, I'm just a tiger that needs enrichment in my enclosure!

YouTube is my main escape, and there's some amazing content on there, but it's so easy to fall into algorithm loops of.... not necessarily "trash" content (though sometimes), but not content that engages the "thinking muscles" that are atrophying. I realize that's my fault, but I think having somewhere to go that is more focused on learning or some specific topic with less temptations towards brain popcorn would help.

I have a fairly broad spectrum of things I'd be willing to learn more about, but I am definitely more of a humanities person. I am interested in learning more about psychology and computer stuff too though. I am interested in learning HTML but I need hand holding of some kind. I used to read constantly as a kid/teen, mainly history/classic novels (mainly for school, yes, but I enjoyed most of them quite a bit, and read some on my own time), and now I can barely get myself to finish reading internet posts, or when it gets bad even 90 second videos.....

Not trying to be "woe is me", just want to see if anybody has any site suggestions or anything! That don't cost money, and can be done from bed. I realize most things these days do have a subscription though.

Also, it's Fall now, hope everyone has a peaceful Autumn season!

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Purpose

Sat, 10 Aug 2024 10:09:06 GMT

(TW for mention of SI stuff/mental illness stuff from my past, not in great detail)

"Quarter life crisis" textual evidence for middle-aged me to (hopefully) chuckle at in 15ish years below.
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( Read more... )

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Tue, 02 Jul 2024 07:24:47 GMT

Well I have totally failed at posting every day and following new people every day but in my defense: I am tired.

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My Newbie Game Plan

Tue, 25 Jun 2024 22:41:04 GMT

I think my plan is to make at least one new post (can be very short, just something), and subscribe to minimum one new person on here every day for the first two weeks from making this account, this being day two. I swear, every time I have attempted social media in the last 5 years I always drop it very early on and it's usually because I don't find enough people to follow so it feels too slow/dead, plus I don't know how to talk to people lol. I just want to really give it a good effort this time. I hope it works out.

Also, how do cuts/read mores work???? The button in the rich text editor didn't actually make a read more when I went to post one of my posts yesterday and I gave up on fiddling with it but I'd really like to figure it out. The sad part is 12 year old me knew how to do it in html but that was a long time ago and I no longer remember at all.

Anyway, have a good day anybody who sees this!

-Ash

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2019 Poem Excerpt

Tue, 25 Jun 2024 09:22:13 GMT

Just a piece of something that I can't believe is already 5 years old.

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"The Fatigue of Being"
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Hello World

Tue, 25 Jun 2024 08:54:36 GMT

Hello. I go by Ash. I use they/she/he pronouns (listed in order of preference). I don't want to say my exact age but I will say I am in my 20s, so a Gen Z'er who didn't use LJ, but I was a tumblr person for many years. Forgive me my growing pains, the user interface on here is very unfamiliar to me.

I don't really have any ideas as to what to post yet but I figured it's good internet etiquette to have at least a post so everyone knows I am, in fact, a real person. Allegedly.

I would really like to get back into reading/writing as I have been in a mental health based rut for years that started basically as I was just getting into it in the first place. I especially would like to get back into poetry and to try/learn new things. I just feel very lost creatively, I guess.

Also, again for mental health reasons, I have not got stuck into a fandom in years and I miss it dearly, so I hope that can happen again as well. I have been enjoying some Dropout content lately like Game Changer, but my attention span just seems to falter when it comes to their D20 stuff. My attention span seems to just be bad in general. ~~It is up to me at the end of the day, but I partially blame YouTube Shorts.~~

Anyway, I miss like ten years ago on tumblr where I actually met people and discovered new things, so I am hoping I can get through the online social anxiety I've developed since then and get out there. This seems like a neat place!

So yeah, I have no idea what I am doing on this site and I don't even know where to start, so any suggestions would be wonderful! Have a good day.

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